ashes of us
by Masquerading with Shadows
Summary: Best friends don't let each other destroy themselves. Beck/Jade; mentions of Beck/Tori.


**for ava's challenge.**

**my prompt**: _ashes to ashes, dust to dust_.

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"It'll be ok," says Tori. "We'll get through this."

Jade hasn't spoken for a week now. The words seem to get caught in her throat every time she opens her mouth; they choke her, make it so damn hard to breathe. And it's not like she wants to talk to anybody, anyway. Tori's the first person who even tried to talk. It reminds her of -

_(no.)_

She wants it to rain. It should fucking well be raining. Everything's too bright, too bleary, (and rain would be cliché and ironic, and she knows those things. But this, this is just different and foreign, and too fucking hard) and she hates it.

"We'll get through this," Tori repeats, trying to convince herself. She doesn't believe her, not for a second, and really, she's always been a hopeless actress. She refuses to look up at her, just keeps staring at her dark boots and digs her unpainted nails into her already scarred palm.

(there's no we in beck&jade anyway.)

.

the last thing jade ever says to beck is the word _liar_.

(his last words are, _i don't know_.)

.

Tori stays with her the whole day when she finally comes back to school. She can just see her out of the corner of her eye, bright colours seeming to burn. She still hasn't spoken, which she figures is why Tori's still around.

_go away go away go away go away._They spend lunch just staring down at the table alone, not bothering to eat, just listening to the silence. Nobody talks anymore, they just look at each other and eat their food, and think of ways to fix it all, something, someone, everything, everyone.

She stands up, and all eyes are on her (Tori).

_lost cause_, is all she says.

.

her favourite colour is red.

(she wonders if you guessed.)

.

After three days of Tori following her around like a fucking dog, she turns around and yells at her, telling her to _quit following me_, and go. home. But she still stays, shaking slightly as tears fill her eyes. Nobody dares look at them, they just hurry to class even though they still have ten minutes.

(she feels every single damn tick of the clock, feels the time pass her in slow, painful waves.)

Tori whispers a no, but she runs off anyway, straight to the girl's bathroom, the closing door echoing in the deserted corridor -

and then she's alone again.

.

"Why are you still here?" She asks Tori. It's starting to turn dark, the light going out of the sky and the stars beginning to appear, and she can tell that Tori's about to start shivering, but she can't be bothered to move. Instead, she just looks out to the horizon, and smokes her cigarette.

"Because," Tori says, turning to her, a weak smile on her face that quickly falls away. A silence drifts in between them again, only broken by the exhale of smoke from Jade's mouth. "Because," she starts again. "You're one of my best friends."

(_best friends don't let each other destroy themselves _p i e c e_ by _p i e c e)

"And André isn't, and neither is Cat?" She bites back. "Tell me the truth, Vega."

"You already know why," Tori says quietly after another long pause. "And I'm not, won't, say it," she adds, her voice hitching at the end.

By now, the sky is navy and she's lost count of all the stars, and Tori is shaking from the cold (or maybe she's not, but Jade doesn't care), and all she's left with now is a cigarette butt.

"You should go home," she says. And without another word from Tori, she gets up and leaves.

.

Nobody comments when she starts to wear long shirts all the time, even though they're on the verge of summer, the sky brighter than it was only a month ago. Most of the time, everybody just looks at her sadly, not even bothering to turn around and whisper after she's walked away; like it's already a well known fact

(_- that beck is hers, and nobody else touches him_).

They sit with the group again, though she still barely speaks. All it's filled with now are fake laughs to somehow bitter jokes, and André and Tori passing weak-hearted smiles to each other that not even Cat can believe. No one comments on the slight slip of red peeking out from Jade's shirt, and they certainly don't comment on Tori's empty plate.

( l o s t c a u s e )

.

A month later, it rains. Water slides down her window and hits her roof in short, hard bursts, and she cries and she bleeds because it's been a fucking month and she still has no idea what to do, and christohgodjesus, _she misses him_.

The clouds pass over quickly, the sun shining through them, giving them a fading halo. But there's still no rainbow, still no end, and still no _Beck_.

.

the last time she sees him, she fights with him. over what, she can't even remember, but probably about tori, or her words, or the smell of perfume that was wafting on beck's clothes. all she can remember is that beck slammed the door to his RV, even though it was his home and not hers, and walked off, and that her final word to him echoed around her even though she whispered it.

she wants to blame him for it. all of it. but she can't because she's never been able to, and he's always been so much better at acting than her. it's always been someone else's fault.

their break-up is her fault. the smell of perfume on his clothes was Tori's (hers). his, fuck, she can't even say it (but it was hers).

("you destroy everything, jade! it's what you do, you destroy things, you can't fucking well help yourself, can you?" he yells, running a hand through his hair. She presses her lips together, scuffs her boots against his carpet, and gives him a pointed look.

"have i destroyed you?" she asks - and the silence is far too loud, and far too long, and her eyes are already starting to sting.

"i don't know," he says finally, and he walks out the door and shuts it behind him.

_Liar_.)

.

The music has only just started playing again, the chatter slightly more light hearted than it was before, when André snaps. He yells at Tori's gaunt, white face to just eat something, for god's sake, please, and as soon as she's burst into tears, turns to Jade and tells her that she's done this. That it's her fault and that this is what she does, she brings everybody down.

_I know_, she thinks.

And five minutes later, Tori's still crying and screaming that she misses Beck, and it's all just a hysterical and neurotic mess, and all eyes are on Tori - _and isn't that the way it should be_ - and all she can think of is that she's sick of tears&blood&her destruction.

She gets up and works out of the school gates just as they've calmed Tori down, and there's nobody there to go after her.

.

she doubts that Beck remembers her anymore, if he can remember anything.

he'll probably remember Tori, all her bright colours and her star-lit eyes, and everything about her that made her Tori. she'd just be the shadow, the indistinguishable dark that was only useful for a comparison to Tori.

(but really, his last memories were of broken glass and skidding rubbing, and his anger at Jade -

so she wins.)

.

In the last couple of weeks, she's tried out for four school plays, one musical, and gone to five different auditions for the school concert.

She doesn't get one single one.

But Tori manages to get two songs and one play, even though her make-up won't be waterproof and her smile isn't as big and as real as it was.

The first time she goes to Tori rehearsing is when Cat drags her along. It's the dress rehearsal, and Tori wears a sparkling dress with glitter on her eyes, and the biggest smile that she's seen in months. And she sings, and she dances, and Jade just looks down at her boots and thinks about what could've been.

And then it rains.

Within one minute, she's out of the school, rain dropping onto her hair and her already black clothes, but still not managing to fall on her face and disguise her tears. It's not fair, it's not fair, she thinks.

Nothing's fair anymore, because Beck's trapped under the fucking earth, and there's nobody there to save her, and it's always been Beck&Jade, oh god, oh god.

.

They find her in Beck's RV.

She's on the bathroom floor, wearing only one of Beck's old flannel shirts - dark with blood. Her eyes are puffy and red, mascara tracks staining her cheeks, and all of her lipstick has faded.

Nobody says anything. Nothing. There's only silence.

_Liar_, she whispers.

.

there's no beck&jade anymore.

.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.**

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**A/N: I don't like this. The only reason I'm posting it is because I've spent ten minutes trying to fix it (not using Word because I can't find the freaking product key, so yeah). So, if there are any massive mistakes, that's the reason. **


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